If you have one cooking in the oven, a thing for Dad to know ahead of the baby’s arrival is that the bond between Dad and baby might not be there right away. For the second child especially. And that’s OK. I might even call it “normal”, whatever that means. This is how it’s gone for me.
The first baby makes you a father. And in that moment, that is life-changing. Even though baby number one can’t understand your off-color jokes in his first few months, the fact that you’re a dad now? That’s heavy.
The second baby is a miracle, sure, but it’s another baby.
We love our babies with all our hearts, but from the start they’re these little helpless things without much in the way of personality. Full of life they are—just check their diaper—but only literally.
After two months, however, things start to change for Dad. Baby number two might now respond to your voice—and if you’re lucky, to your singing—with a smile. Dean likes songs about Jesus, and he also likes “In Too Deep” by Sum 41. Now we’re getting somewhere. If you like my singing, captive audience or not, you have my heart.
The mother connects right away—indeed she literally does so if she’s nursing—which is a euphemism for you know what. If the mother does not connect, emotionally or literally, that is out of my purview and is another (serious) discussion altogether.
My point here is not to sound like a bad dad, like this is a cry for help. I can do both, entirely on my own, without a piece like this. My point here is that I am not—and you are not—a bad dad for not feeling that emotional connection early on.
I mean, what am I supposed to say to the guy? At least I’m doing the daily work to not become Don Draper. At least I’m not the man that Tracy Chapman’s protagonist married in her song “Fast Car”, the one that stays out drinking late at the bar and sees more of his friends than he does his kids.
I only bring this up because I have heard of dads who don’t feel much, if anything, when their child is born. This sounds horrible. Not for the baby; the baby has no idea. This sounds horrible for you, Dad. We each ache on different levels. Don’t hide that aching. Share it. You hear a some about post-partum depression for mothers, but I haven’t heard much of anything regarding similar depressive qualities in men.
I do not have depression over this, but I very much sympathize with the men who do. The only thing I can say to that is to check back in in about 3-6 months, when the child is smiling, laughing, starting to show his or her personality, smiling as a result of your singing, and not just from passing gas. It gets more fun the older they get, and the connection between dad and baby increases in tandem. At about a year old, all baby wants to do is be with daddy when daddy comes home from work, and they’ll run to your arms and say, “daddy, daddy, look at this dinosaur book I got at the library! Read it to me, daddy!”
Down you plop on the couch, and using your best T-Rex roar, you begin.
There it is, there’s the connection. Ride out the storm. A storm can be beautiful, and it can be frightening. Either way it goes, it will only get stronger from here.
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